Have you ever felt like you were standing on a ledge; at the edge of a chasm; a deep precipice beckoning? Not that you would jump, because there is no need to jump. A simple step forward will catapult you into a new chapter. There is no dropping down, falling, waiting to hit the bottom. But rather, and impression of accelerating through the air, as if propulsed by some invisible force at your back, pushing you further and further away from everything you've known and experienced up to this point in your life.
It's easy. Lift your foot, move it forward, and take that step. Suddenly, tumbling, screaming, laughing, you can't be stopped. What awaits on the other side of the abyss? What mysteries? What new scenarios?
Of course, that's all in your head. Your imagination runs loose and wild, swirling, up and up and around, exploring the possibilities. Oh what an exhilarating feeling! What exuberance!
Grounded. You are grounded, you haven't moved. Still, you linger on the edge. There is only one direction, and that is forward. You cannot go back. Can't retain what was, must embrace what will be. It's terrifying. You breathe slowly, trying to focus your mind on the next step you must take. Still you linger. Always linger. Although you desperately want a new future, a new life, you cannot help but grab at the tatters of your past. Melancholia already has a hold of you. Your fears have their claws buried so deep into your flesh that your feet are glued to the piece of earth on which you are standing.
Any moment now. It takes courage to let go. You feel a movement, a rumble under your feet. You couldn't act fast enough, so the world is pushing you forward. The ground is no longer beneath your feet. your body feels weightless as wind twirls around you. The edge of the chasm on which you were just standing is shrinking rapidly behind you. No point in looking back. Your future awaits.
Good luck to you, my friend.
Sunday, 21 February 2016
Wednesday, 6 January 2016
2016 resolution: Destroy
I've been mulling over this for a good chunk of the day. It's also been on my mind for a few nights this past week, turning into low-level anxiety attacks and insomnia.
I'm stuck. Metaphorically as well as literally. I'm stuck in this vicious cycle that is supposed to be life. At least by our North American standards and the shitty way it has unfolded for my generation.
On this unsustainable system which operates on debt, I'm infinitely stuck. The tunnel curls on itself and doesn't let me see the end - will it ever I ask.
I'm incredibly angry, and incessantly exhausted. I know it's the case for several of my peers - toiling away 50 to 60 hours a week, juggling jobs, trying to make ends meet. For what? To feed into this idiotic system. We get in debt to pay for school, then once we're out of school, we have to pay back our loans. Simple concept, makes a lot of sense. Pair this with an economy that has been stalled for almost a decade, and which apparently is going down the drain yet again - though were we ever able to get back to a stable situation between then and now; no - and you've got a recipe for success. Jobs are hard to get, and when we do have jobs, they pay very little. Trying to live on a small income while paying of student debt is nearly impossible.
In Halifax, for instance, median prices for appartments are $600-700 a month. Unless you live with a ton of other people, or live in a shit-hole, or both. At near-minimum wage, that's almost half of one's income. Add to that utilities, food, and all the other shebang, not much left. And then come the loans. Fuck them. Fuck all of it.
I'm stuck. I can't move forward. I dream of the day when I'll break out of this circle. Step aside, let it roll on, like the wheel of misfortune that it truly is. I want to escape, run away to some faraway place, never come back. Abandon everything behind, and create a new life some new place.
These are only dreams, and probably the only thing worth living for at the moment. Nothing rouses passion like anger. And I'm so angry at my own powerlessness that it fuels my inner fire. I want to destroy everything of that system which keeps us chained. Rebuild anew. Create a world where young people aren't so fucking hindered as soon as they reach adulthood. How are we supposed to build a better tomorrow if we can't even afford our today?
I'm stuck. Metaphorically as well as literally. I'm stuck in this vicious cycle that is supposed to be life. At least by our North American standards and the shitty way it has unfolded for my generation.
On this unsustainable system which operates on debt, I'm infinitely stuck. The tunnel curls on itself and doesn't let me see the end - will it ever I ask.
I'm incredibly angry, and incessantly exhausted. I know it's the case for several of my peers - toiling away 50 to 60 hours a week, juggling jobs, trying to make ends meet. For what? To feed into this idiotic system. We get in debt to pay for school, then once we're out of school, we have to pay back our loans. Simple concept, makes a lot of sense. Pair this with an economy that has been stalled for almost a decade, and which apparently is going down the drain yet again - though were we ever able to get back to a stable situation between then and now; no - and you've got a recipe for success. Jobs are hard to get, and when we do have jobs, they pay very little. Trying to live on a small income while paying of student debt is nearly impossible.
In Halifax, for instance, median prices for appartments are $600-700 a month. Unless you live with a ton of other people, or live in a shit-hole, or both. At near-minimum wage, that's almost half of one's income. Add to that utilities, food, and all the other shebang, not much left. And then come the loans. Fuck them. Fuck all of it.
I'm stuck. I can't move forward. I dream of the day when I'll break out of this circle. Step aside, let it roll on, like the wheel of misfortune that it truly is. I want to escape, run away to some faraway place, never come back. Abandon everything behind, and create a new life some new place.
These are only dreams, and probably the only thing worth living for at the moment. Nothing rouses passion like anger. And I'm so angry at my own powerlessness that it fuels my inner fire. I want to destroy everything of that system which keeps us chained. Rebuild anew. Create a world where young people aren't so fucking hindered as soon as they reach adulthood. How are we supposed to build a better tomorrow if we can't even afford our today?
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